Cutting Off

Knowing when enough is too much is not an easy task. A drunk may be easy to spot, but when can one really decide to cut someone off? This task is done by the most professional bartenders.

There are many aspects to being a good server or bartender, and the ability to read people is perhaps the most important. One needs to be able to judge a guest's personality, their mood, who's paying and quite often when they've had too much.

Many bartenders will push the limits of their drunken patrons to receive better tips. This is dangerous, the person may forget to pay their tab, not tip you or worse, get in an accident on their way home. There are great risks in cutting someone off as well. If the person is angry enough they could not tip you or even harm you or someone else around them. It is always an issue when someone receives their tab and the price is just a little higher than they were expecting. Suddenly you have rang in too many drinks because there is no way he and his six friends drank 35 beers and did 40 shots. Regardless, I have found the best way to handle this is to first, relax. The drunkard is already worked up enough for the both of you, better the sober one in this equation have their head on straight.

There are some drunks that don't even think to look at the tab, if you just tell them how much they owe you, they might believe you rather than the detailed print-out you place in front of them.

But, if the time does come that you just cannot serve someone any more alcohol, bartenders are taught to simply tell them, "I'm sorry sir/ma'am but the Sate of Ohio requires me to stop serving you once you have reached a limit I feel is past the legal amount. Please pay your tab and I will call you a cab to ensure you arrive safely at your next destination." This leaves out any room for liability for the drunk that has decided he's going to go some where else and drink since you won't let him.

Losing a tip is far better than someone losing their life simply because you did not cut them off. I know plenty of bartenders that allow patrons to get to the point where they cannot even standup. While you may think this adds to sales and will give you more money in the end, it could possibly take everything from you and/or someone else.

Hooking up

 Don't get excited.
 I do not mean hooking-up in a sexual way, rather giving away product to friends, family and regulars. I'm not sure when and where people started this ritual of sorts but regardless, never, I repeat, never ask for the "hook-up." My previous employer used to refer to this act as "stealing" rather than hooking-up and essentially that's what it is. So, now you're asking me to steal from my company and risk getting fired just so you might be happier/drunker with a free shot or beer. I love that you chose my bar today, I love that you decided to tip me well, and while I may truly enjoy your company, I am not willing to lose my job for you.
 Sure, once and a while I might forget to put drinks on your tab, or actually put them on a spill sheet, but this is reserved only for those who never ask, frequently visit and tip well. Take care of me and I will take care of you, mi casa es su casa, eye for an eye, you scratch my back I'll scratch yours, get the picture?
 Another thing, the "last shot out of the bottle means it's free" rule does not exist. I do not care how hard you try to convince me, I will not believe you. I will, however, pat you on the back if somehow you find a bartender "pretty" enough (I say pretty instead of stupid, it sounds a lot nicer) to believe you.
 Yes, there are bartenders that will hook a lot of people up, depending on the type of bar, who runs it, corporate, all that mumbo-jumbo, but know that I probably will not. If it's a slow night, I am bored and you are my entertainment, you might find me to buy us shots, but other than that, don't hold your breath.

Will a gnat really Kill you?

It's so small, about two to three mm long according to Household Pets. So, is sending back your drink because there might be one in there really necessary? Do you really believe it is going to kill you? Some people do.

They are also harmless. Though the idea of swallowing a fly might gross many people out, or perhaps worry the most germ-a-phobic, they will not cause your body any arm. German researches have shown that alcohol, in moderation, can kill germs. 

Doctors have found a link between aging-related protein functions in humans and fruit flies. A study led by Michael Karin, a UCSD professor showed that fruit flies have a similar health problems with aging as humans do. "The research could eventually lead to drugs to slow age-related degeneration." 

So, before you waste the alcohol and upset your bartender by sending back your full drink, just look at it this way: it's more protein, and it very well might keep you younger. 

Hitting on your server/bartender

"Hi guys, can I get ya'll somethin' to drink?"

"How bout a kiss on the lips?"

"Hm, I've never made that drink before, what's in it?"

I have one rule about hitting on your bartender or server.

DON'T.

We are payed to be friendly towards you, whether you are the most hideous, obnoxious, married drunk in the world, we will still make you believe you just might have a chance, but this is not reality. 

When you go to a restaurant, you are more likely to tip that waitress or bartender that is friendly, right? That does not mean he or she likes you and wants you to ask them out. My own rule for this is that I never give my number out while working. If for some reason I might be really interested, I believe in fate and that I will see you some where outside of my place of employment and we can go from there. Be creative! Your server is trapped at work, there is no leaving the bar and ignoring you, we have to continue serving you until you decide to leave. 

Asking a bartender or sever for his/her number is always a bad idea. I used to work with a girl who gave her number to every guy that asked simply to get a better tip. Keep this in mind also, a lot of servers will do this so you think there might be a chance, thus giving them more money to impress them. Do not do this. All we will do is smile, make eyes at you, turn around and drag in the next sucker. Not only does him/her giving you their number not mean anything, neither does you giving them yours. 

When I first started serving, I collected how many notes or numbers were left behind for me on a nightly basis. The highest amount was usually on my first night at a new bar and ranged from 7-10. One particular night I received three different numbers from a group of friends who, oh so cleverly approached me when they went to the bathroom and I was out of sight from the rest of the group. None received a call from me. I am not your competition, and if I am, I'm sorry about your loss. 

"My friends and I have a bet... what bra size do you wear?"

Not only do pick-up lines not work, but comments such as these are definitely a no-go. Do not "holler" at me, I will not turn around and think I have found my Prince Charming and fall in love with you on the spot. The size of my body parts is not public information. Sharing this information does not turn me on. Think about it, how successful is it when a guy gropes a girl or says something charming like, "Damn, baby you fine." Oh, please, may I give you my number?

There are proper ways to compliment your server. While you still may be hitting on us, if you follow these rules, we will not go back in the kitchen and share with everyone about the creepy guy at table G3 resulting in everyone passing by and laughing at your expense. There are certain things to remember the next time you want to hit on your server/bartender (and yes, all of these things have happened):

1. Remember your server/ bartender is a person. If a woman, she likes to hear that she is "pretty," "beautiful" or "gorgeous," not "sexy as f**k," has a "body I'd like to bang," "hot," or "fine." Your slang is not welcome in my life and if you really believe I am that trashy to fall for those terms, we have other issues. 

2. The possibility that I am actually going to give you my number is 1 in 1,000. If I do, I probably will not answer. However, if that is the case and I do not respond, do not continue to call or text me repeatedly for weeks in hopes that I respond. 

3. If I tell you I have a boyfriend, do not try to convince me that you will be the "Best thing I've ever had." I will not believe you. This insults my intelligence and makes me think you have little to no faith in my judgement. So, why would I choose to go out with you if that is the case?

4. Again, if you leave your number, or are trying to hit on me, do not leave me a less than 20 percent tip. This tells me you are cheap, and now I am really not interested. 

5. Do not try leaving poems. They will only end up in the kitchen on display for everyone to laugh at for weeks. 

6. Do not ask me personal questions about my sex life. There is a key word in that statement, my. 

7. Your witty pick-up-lines will not work no matter how clever they might seem to you and your friends. 

8. Speaking of your friends, do not encourage your friends to ask out the bartender because "she totally digs you man," she probably does not. 

9. Do not ask me to dance for you, you are at a bar, not a strip club. If you want someone to dance for you, go to the nearest Bottoms Up or Platinum Horse, I'm sure there are plenty of nice girls there that would love to dance for you. 

10. Finally, never, never, never and again I say, never blatantly ask me to cheat on your wife or girlfriend with you. I do not care how "unhappy" you are at home, while I will listen to your problems, I will not be your solution. 

I am your bartender, not your grocer

It is one thing to ask for extra tomato, no lettuce, no mayo, sub cheese, or add pickle to your burger, but when you start asking for six pickles to take home for your small cookout you are about to have, that is where I draw the line.
At my bar there is a certain man that comes in literally, every day, we call those customers "regulars." I more than appreciate his patronage, for someone to spend $20 to $30 dollars a day plus tip it goes without saying that it should be appreciated. However, just because you spend your life sucking down brewed hops in hopes to catch a buzz before returning home and permanently indenting your rear-end into my bar stool, does not mean that you have free reign to treat the bar like a grocery store. There is a Giant Eagle about two-miles up the road.
This particular customer reminded me of the popular, "If you give a mouse a cookie" story. If you give a drunk a tomato, he's going to ask for an onion, if you give a drunk an onion, he's going to want "Six pieces of rye bread," if you give a drunk six pieces of rye bread, he's going to want "six pickles." Before you know it, store food counts do not line up and he just may be asking to buy burger patties or lunch meat for his next day's meal.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am all about the "customer is always right" philosophy, but only when the customer is, in fact, right. Small, sports bars like mine thrive on the "regular" customer service. If every one of my "regulars" was given this same treatment, we would run out of stock faster than we usually do (I despise Sundays for this reason).
Yes, we are a restaurant, we are here to serve you. But no, we will not sell you staple food items because you are too lazy to go to the grocery store. Drive the extra two miles and get your "fuel perks." The only "fuel perk" I can give you is another beer to add to your buzz that you will also have to pay for.

Welcome!

Ah, to start a blog. It is a bit intimidating. I wonder, how many people will read this? Do people really care? Well, whether you drink or not, you'll find this blog both interesting and relatable. I will share with you, stories I've heard from the bartender's ears (you'd be surprised the kind of things I see and hear). They are not all the broken-hearted sob stories that movies portray, some of them actually turn out to be quite "deep" conversations that lead to questions of life, love, and well...forgive me for being cliche, the pursuit of happiness. I believe every story can be broken down into a loss of innocence tale, and for most of these stories, that's exactly what they are. So sit back, crack open a cold one, sip, chug, but for God sake's don't slurp! Allow me to wipe down a clean spot for you at my bar and prepare yourself for some... interesting? stories.